Don't Make Assumptions!

The Third Agreement

"We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word... all the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooting in making assumptions and taking things personally." - Don Miguel Ruiz

Stephen Covey once stated, "most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply." Our basis for assumption starts from the beginning, with each of us and our inability to quiet our ego and truly listen with an open mind and heart. When someone tells us something, we must initiate our listening by stopping everything, centering ourselves, taking a deep breath and saying "Okay, I want to better understand you." If this truly is our state of mind then our first response might be a clarifying question or a confirming statement to the other person. This gives us an opportunity to make sense of something and/or acknowledge to the other person that we understand them.

So many of us, myself included, think that we are so selfless and unselfish BUT The Four Agreements will challenge that to it's very core. If we are so eager to reply then we are not listening with intent to understand. If our reply is defensive then we are taking things personally. When we do this our immediate reactions is to make assumptions. Making assumptions and taking things personally will almost always challenge our word ... all of which creates this environment of conflict that is exactly the polar opposite of what we intended by our communication.

If we make an assumption, that is on us. If it becomes real to us, that is on us. If we act on that assumption, that is on us. Stop and think for a moment, what lead us to that assumption? Did we care to ask questions? Or have we just cast ourselves as the lead actor in our own drama? Ask questions because you want to understand. This is not about us. This is about having all the facts so that our conclusions are based in the truth and not just a piece of it.

An assumption is a thing that is accepted as truth without proof. Imagine gossiping to our friends or family about our assumption that is unfounded. How does that make us look? What if they have more information on the topic than we do? Get my drift? Stop making an ASS of U and ME. We are better than this.

Ask!

Don't Take Anything Personally

From The Second Agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements:

"You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me". Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves."

How many times have you said to someone, "it's not all about you"? Or perhaps have you heard that spoken to you?

There is so much power in this second agreement. What old tapes are running around in your head from childhood? From a past relationship? From a job? Did someone tell you that you were not measuring up to THEIR expectations? You weren't fulfilling their needs? Or that you are a valued person/employee but ............ We need to learn not to take these words or actions personally.

When someone says to you "you hurt my feelings" they are really talking about their brokenness and not about you. When someone blames you for their feelings, they are casting blame away from themselves because that's what we as humans do. We initially deny and redirect blame before we've thought things through. I'm sorry, but in my personal opinion, I am not responsible for ANY of YOUR feelings. You own them and you are responsible for them. Just as I own mine and am responsible for mine. So, while what I said may or may not have been nice, how you took it on, assumed it, that is on you. Just the same, how I interpret or receive a message from someone else, is on me. If I am hurt, that is my responsibility. If I take it personally, that is responsibility.

The real key here is learn from the way we teach our children. When you child comes home upset that someone has made fun of them, how do you handle it? Of course, you tell them that there is nothing wrong with them and that it was the other child who must be dealing with something so they lash out at others. It's the same thing folks ..... don't take anything personally.

If you do your best to practice these first two agreements, you will find emotional peace in your life.  If we could master these, we would eliminate 95% of the miscommunication in our lives. Write these agreements down and tape them to your bathroom mirror: don't take things personally and be impeccable with your word. Be the person that you are capable of being, not only with what comes out of your mouth but how you handle what comes from others.

Namaste.

Be Impeccable with your WORD!

It sounds very simple but it's very, very powerful.

"Through word we have the ability to manifest everything. Our intent is manifested through our words. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will be manifested through word. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy ..." - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.

The word impeccable comes from the Latin word "pecatus", which means sin. The im in impeccable means "without", so impeccable means "without sin". Sin is anything you do which goes against yourself.

I was browsing my laptop this week and came across a Facebook post where a person made a statement, using a very powerful word, that has lasting consequences ... "Infidelity sucks." Everyone who reads this post will inevitably believe that the author, person A, had been cheated on. Person A
posted this on social media perhaps attempting to gain attention. Misery does love company. Or, perhaps the intent was to harm person B. We can't possibly know the intent but that is not the point.

People who are hurting hurt other people. That is a fact. What we feel is manifested through our words. Person A was hurting and spoke hurt out into the Universe. Based on the comments following that post, person A was consoled by their friends .... good for them. However, person A was not impeccable with their words and in the end, they hurt themselves. Person A can't take that back ... despite the fact that it may or may not be truthful.

Words are powerful. As children we build our lives and perceptions around the words we are taught and the examples we are shown. As adults these become our pillars or foundation of beliefs - good and bad. Words can be beauty and words can be poison. Ever been called stupid? That label lives with someone for a very long time and that someone reacts to their future based on that belief. Would you want to be the author of that word against someone else? How about against yourself? What words are you using? How are you using them? Are they meant for a private conversation or do you want to post them online to be recorded forever?

Be impeccable with your word! Think how you would feel if someone said about you what you just said about them. Think about how that statement will reflect on you. Think about the energy you are attracting. Your words will create a footprint in someones life but that footprint will last forever in your life. Are you comfortable with that? Ask for forgiveness. Apologize. Do whatever it takes to make it right.

Be impeccable!

Addictions ... Emotional Poison

An exert from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

"The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake.  The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists then that was enough; we don't need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, we punish ourselves again, and again and again. If we have a husband or a wife he or she also reminds us of the mistake so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?

"How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake?  Every time we remember the mistake we blame them and send them all the emotional poison we feel at the injustice, and then we make them pay for the same mistake over again."

Have you made a mistake that paralyzed you? Were you able to move beyond it? 

After two decades of devoting my life to sports, health and fitness I fell into a trap of addiction. I began smoking on weekends when I worked as a bartender and then it became a more regular habit. I saw others around me struggling with addiction - eating disorders, alcohol, pornography, drugs, computers and even abusive relationships but my addiction was smoking - which obviously is counter productive to almost everything I find enjoyable in my life but addictions have no bias.

Everyone in my life expressed their opinions on why I should stop and how they felt about it and yet, they were perhaps struggling with their own addiction of some kind or another. Time and time again I tried to stop and time and time again I failed leaving me to feel pathetic. The walls grew thicker and the comments jabbed deeper. I couldn't even quit smoking when my daughter was born and that left me loathing in shame. The failure continued and I began being dishonest about those failed attempts and began to hide my smoking much like an alcoholic hides their drinking or a person with eating disorder hides their behaviors. Instead of making me feel better the dishonesty increased the shame and guilt and lead to humiliation. Eventually I learned to come to terms with the failure and the guilt. Unfortunately my dishonesty affected those around me and as a result the vicious cycle began again.

Finally, 3 years ago I had a come to Jesus moment on a sandy beach near the ocean. I was on my knees in tears asking God to take this away from me. I made a promise to myself that day that I would quit because it was best for ME and for Jaida. There has been no looking back. No temptation. No regret.

What are you still holding onto? How long do you plan to bear that burden? I'm telling you that to free yourself from any addiction is to overcome and is honorable. Get honest with yourself. Take an inventory of your behaviors. What is holding you back from being all that you can be?

Seize the moment!