Resolutions

As Christmas and New Years fast approach I am feeling a particular peace this year and it's not that the same holiday hustle and bustle doesn't have me on my toes this year. Sometimes that peace is something we can't wrap our minds around. I am still stressed at the financial investment of buying presents, and not being able to buy them for all whom I'd like. Yet, it is in the investment of heart and soul that I am putting my energies and perhaps that might be the greatest gift I could offer in the long run - to become a more empathetic, understanding, truth seeking, authentic, loyal and non-judgemental person, friend, daughter, sister, Mom and partner. Bear with me as I contemplate the world, humankind but mostly, my own humanity. The winter break has given me an opportunity to 'go deep' and consider my experiences; assumptions, interpretations  and mistakes that have molded me as a person; confirmation, relationships and successes that have instilled confidence; and the ever present opportunities that lie ahead.

Last quarter I was asked by a classmate to Co-Chair the Queer Coalition at Iliff School of Theology. I'll admit, I do not understand what the Queer Coalition is or does but I assumed it was a place that welcomed those who didn't feel welcome in other groups or that could find a group that represented them. In my generation, queer was not a positive and inviting word. Instead it was one of the many derogatory words written on my car window in Lincoln, Nebraska. Queer, Dyke, Freak. I am learning that the younger generation and the activists have reclaimed this word and turned it into something all-inclusive and transforming and I love that.

I am taking 14 hours this winter, serving on a Strategic Planning Committee at Iliff, dedicated to my daughter and her nightly barrage of math, spelling and reading, keep the household chores and meals flowing, committing to self care by way of regular exercise, securing quality time (my primary love language) with my partner who also shares this love language, and in the midst of all of this, despite my hesitation, I committed to being involved with the Queer Coalition. Mind you, I am NOT 'in charge' and the woman that has taken that task on is to be commended for her deep rooted activism in the city of Denver and in the Queer and Trans community. Bless you girl! As classes resume and the Coalition meets for it's first gathering of the 2015-16 school year, I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am not quite sure what I will bring to the table, and yet, at times I am certain. The point is, I stepped out of my comfort zone for a couple of reasons: 1) I owe it to ALL activists who have fought for my right to have same sex partner benefits, to marry, to have tax benefits, hospital visitations and to proudly teach my child what it means to  have two Moms, just to name a few. 2) I felt God was leading me to step outside of my comfort zone and do something I had never done before. 3) Because I have a unique voice and way of uniting people and my ministry has always been and will always be about building bridges.

So why do I share this you ask? A high school classmate of mine reached out this summer and said, "Cheryl, I'd like to find a way to help you on your journey but I am an atheist ..." The friendship that has transpired from our ongoing communication has been life challenging. When someone challenges your beliefs you quickly find your foundation and that which you are certain and rattled by those ideals or beliefs that you no longer align with. Iliff calls this phase the 'deconstruction' and my friend has taken a front seat in this process while accepting and respecting my beliefs. I am honored that he wants to be a part of my journey, but I love him for the man and husband that he is. While many things he has said or suggested are on my heart daily, one thing that he challenged me on was the Queer Coalition. He said, "so no straights at the Queer Coalition?" My response to him was, "... Until I get ahold of them. Remember, a tempered radical works from the inside." His final comment, "Inclusion doesn't start with exclusion, Miss Co-Chair."

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this conversation and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my assumptions of what the Queer Coalition is. I understand and support the activism of my classmate who is the Chair and can make assumptions based on what I know about her as well. The point is, this is exactly what I need and this is exactly where I am needed. I have always been told that I have a 'unique voice' and a 'gift' at uniting people and I DO! Just as the Chairperson has a unique voice and personality for activism, I have something I can offer to this group as well but my ministry, my bridge if you will, will extend from within this community outward towards the greater community - churches, communities, schools, families. Sometimes you need to hunker down in the trenches where it's messy and be willing to experience that which is different than you and yours. Sometimes you have to be open to be vulnerable and allow your empathy to become compassion by getting dirty yourself. Sometimes you have to be willing to accept that you were wrong or that your ideas might have been skewed and be willing to explore that.

The ministry I have always envisioned is about building bridges of hope, understanding, and love. For me it's not just about the LGBTQ communities, it's about ALL of us. My African American friends have challenged me to consider the reality of their oppression and how the abolition of slavery and the right to vote and sit on a bus with white people doesn't make them equal in all ways in 2015. There are still so many issues. For the sake of my own daughter Jaida, who despite her blonde hair, is part African American, I must listen and learn. My friends who believe in other Gods, be it Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim and Pagan, offer a unique  and challenging perspective. If I respond to them with what I took from my childhood Christian education, essentially they would be excluded from the Kingdom of God. The same goes for my friend who is atheist. We share MANY similar beliefs and yet I can't even stand firm on who my God is at the moment because over the past decade my idea of God has changed so much. And finally, I consider my devout Mormon and Catholic friends whose faith tradition teaches that the very person that I am is acceptable to God only if I abstain - in other words, not be authentic or honest. These are all my burdens to bear - how my childhood experiences and perceptions shaped and molded me as I grew up in the 70's and 80's versus who I am today and more importantly, who I can become.

A quote from the book 'Illusions' says, 'You teach best what you need to learn most." The very next week after reading that quote I was speaking about Forgiveness before a church congregation. Obviously I am working out forgiveness in my own life, both in offering forgiveness and receiving forgiveness, but it's a process and it takes time and it's starts with ourselves. If my ministry is about building bridges it must be that I am in a deeply emotional and spiritual process to build bridges in my own life. My friend was right, no matter what, you can't be inclusive by being exclusive. The entire Iliff student body should be invited to be a part of the Queer Coalition. I ask you to pray for my Chairperson and the group as I navigate sensitive territory and find my way. I know perhaps there are bridges within that community itself that I need to build or cross before I can have the knowledge and experience to reach outward.

As we move into 2016 I have prayed long and hard about my resolution. I have been an "other" all of my life. I have been called so many undignified names in my lifetime, despite all my prayers to be something different, God created me perfectly in His image, worthy of praise and honor, and created me to love deeply and spiritually. So this resolution is for all of the "others" out there: mine, yours, metaphorically speaking - the unlovable and the lepers. I will be in daily spiritual practice and vow to lovingly and tactfully call out language that lacks love, respect, dignity and human kindness. I ask that you hold me accountable and understand that each and every one of us is valued.

Peace.

Prepare the Way .. 2nd Wk of Advent

The following is the sermon I gave at Buena Vista Congregational United Church of Christ on December 6, 2015. The addendum was requested by  BVCUCC as they wanted to know how the story ended.

During my very last class of the quarter a seminary professor discussed how pastoral care giving and chaplaincy sometimes requires that we live out the 23rd Psalm; that often the work of care giving requires that we walk through the valley of the shadow of death with another. Whether it be due to illness, death or even trauma, that we are present with them until they find greener pastures. I had never really considered it this way. And I wondered, being in seminary and committing my life to ministry, would I be able to do this for other people. Could I sit with them and be emotionally present, no matter the details? Could I empathize with anyone and everyone despite my own narratives? Could I respond calmly and appropriately in the midst of chaos?

The next morning we woke at 3 am anticipating and preparing for our annual Thanksgiving trip to Florida to visit our families. For some unknown and unprovoked reason I felt the need to brace myself against the shower wall. As I leaned against my hands I closed my eyes for a moment and considered the 23rd Psalm: "Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ... I will fear no evil". I thought to myself, "This is strange. Why am I thinking about this now?" I resigned the idea to simply be a reminder that my family might someday need me to chose a calm response over a reaction of panic.

Roxanne asked me that morning if I was leery of flying with all the terrorist threats and such going on in the world. I told her I was not and that it's become a part of life that perhaps I/we have become numb to it. I did mention to her that while not anxious, I did had this strange thought in the shower about needing to be calm and responsive for her and Jaida if anything ever happened that might cause one to panic.

Later that day I was seated on the plane between my 8 year old daughter Jaida and my partner Roxanne. Half way into our second flight the pilot's voice came over the loud speaker advising there was a pressure issue in the cabin and the oxygen masks were going to drop. We looked at one another in confusion. Before we could comprehend anything the masks dropped and I put Jaida's on, then mine and then turned to make sure Roxanne had hers on. Our anxiety grew. The lack of circulation of air made us claustrophobic. The heat caused us to sweat. The oxygen was barely noticeable but our bags were inflating and deflating. We smelled something burning. There seemed to be a visible haze throughout. I couldn't tell if it was from the oxygen or if it was smoke. Later we would find out that it was smoke in the cockpit.

Again, an announcement came over, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please make sure your seat belts are fastened tightly." They said this on three different occasions. And suddenly, the plane began to descend. A young baby in front of us screamed and cried the entire time. His ears must have been so painful. He was doing everything he could to fight off the mask. His mother grew frantic. I heard her say, "He's turning blue." And I unbuckled my seatbelt and reached over the seat  to make sure he was breathing. It was instinctual for me as a mother.

The descent of the airplane caused panic. Our fears intensified. I opened the window blind and saw that we were headed out over the ocean. My heart sank. I closed the blind and I began to prepare myself. I explained to Jaida that we might have to exit the plane through a door behind us and slide down an inflatable ramp. Then I explained that under our seat cushions were life vests that we might need if we landed on water.

Roxanne and I felt little oxygen, as if it had run out. We had been wearing the masks for 15 or 20 minutes. She grabbed the fourth mask. I wondered if we were just going to run out of air altogether, so I told Jaida to breathe very slow, in and out. She was asking question after question and I told her she needed to conserve her energy. The gentleman to our left was calling out the elevation as we dropped 10,000 feet in a matter of minutes. He claimed the air would be breathable without masks below that level.

The gentleman in front of Roxanne was taking cell phone video. I fumbled with my cell phone for a moment, wanting to text my parents. Instead, I knew I needed to be present with my family and remain calm. I did take a selfie of the three of us thinking it might be our last. And then I placed my hands on both of their knees and I privately recited portions of the 23rd Psalm. I will not fear, Lord you are with us, comfort us, prepare us). No matter the outcome, I realized I was with the two people I loved most in this world. A swiftly flowing peace overcame me ...  My cup runneth over.

In 2014 I had a surgical complication where my heart rate and blood pressure plummeted and they had to abort. It was quite scary but I have never felt closer to death then I did on that airplane. God's mercy and grace have given me yet another chance to experience my faith at a new level.

So what does this have to do with the 2nd week of Advent? PEACE. Peace that passes all understanding. So how can we prepare our hearts for the Christ child? I can think of no better way than to consider an act fitting of Jesus himself - Forgiveness.

Luke 3:4-6: Prepare the way of the Lord. Make his paths straight. Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be made low, and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough
ways made smooth ...

Who do you need to get straight with? What situation do you need to smooth over? I want you to think about the word Forgiveness. Think about the process of reconciliation. How does it make you feel? As freely as we receive mercy and grace, we must also be willing to extend them to others. I want you to acknowledge the very first person that comes into your mind. I know you don't want to and you're searching for an easier subject, but be honest with yourself. There is no time like right now.

The lack of forgiveness in our lives is at the very core of almost all of our problems. We cannot let anger, bitterness and resentment build up inside of us. It will fester, like a cancer in our soul. And if it is not healed it will destroy.  When we have old wounds, even those from childhood, we are more likely to project those onto others. Some of those hurts may have been caused by a completely different person and yet, we transfer them onto someone else distorting reality. Pride. When we judge others it is almost always a form of hypocrisy. And let's be honest, we only judge others because we see in them our own faults and insecurities mirrored back to us. Vanity.  How often do we find ourselves irritated by another person? Perhaps we are irritated with a habit or maybe an aspect of their personality. The irritation that we feel is OUR reaction toward someone who is not acting the way WE think they should. Arrogance. Another place we often get stuck is when we project our expectations onto others. What happens? They continue to disappoint us, don't they? We project our own selfish expectations onto other people and then we are disappointed because they didn't act the way we wanted them to. Conceit. And finally, maybe we thought that we had forgiven someone that hurt us. Yet, we continue to have an angry or defensive reaction toward them. This means that we have not completed the healing process and therefore, lack true forgiveness.

In all of these examples, we fail to accept and to love unconditionally. The reality is that we are all broken. We are all in need of healing. And we are here to heal one another. None of these are easy processes: healing, forgiveness or reconciliation. Each require humility and love. And each require that we be honest and authentic.

One crucial thing we can do is to be non-reactive. When someone does something to offend us, either intentionally or otherwise, we can take a moment and respond appropriately. The principle of non-reaction is foundational to Christians and Monastics. The idea is that our reactions are purely our own responsibility and not caused by a provocation.
Jesus is the ultimate example of non-reaction. And he is the ultimate example of forgiveness.

We can commit ourselves to cultivating a spirit of forgiveness by never letting the sun go down on our anger. Forgiveness is a choice. It is a daily decision. Forgiveness is a process with many steps. When we love someone unconditionally, without remembering how they hurt us, and without a reaction of anger or resentment, then, and ONLY THEN, have we truly forgiven.

How many of you this morning thought of a person YOU needed to forgive? Raise your hands. How many of you thought of a person who you needed forgiveness from? A seminary professor once assigned a paper on forgiveness and asked his students to build around an example in their own lives. 18 of the 20 students wrote about forgiving someone that had hurt them. Only 2 students, 10%, considered the person they had hurt.

The concept of forgiveness is often one directional - the act of forgiving. When in theory and practice, there are two directions - the act of forgiving and the seeking or accepting of forgiveness. Often times when talking about forgiveness the task of seeking forgiveness is ignored. While the person who is attempting to forgive another is engaged in a personal work of cognitive re-framing, emotional vulnerability, and spiritual formation, the task of seeking forgiveness can often be more difficult.

1) Forgiveness begins with an internal acknowledgement; a confession to ourselves that a wrong has been done.

2) Step 2 is making a decision to do something about it; committing to the process of reconciliation. To forgive or to receive forgiveness.

3) Step 3 is to apologize to the other person; or in the case of forgiving, to accept an apology. Most importantly, our apologies must acknowledge our ownership of the wrong and not highlight the sensitivity of the other person.

4) Finally, step 4 is to receive forgiveness. This step is healing to both sides. In cases where it is not possible to receive forgiveness from another (death, unwillingness, etc) the person seeking forgiveness must undergo the entire process internally.

It's important to remember that God expects that we are not perfect. We can go to God with all of our flaws and brokenness. Consider Jesus and his disciples ... they were human beings, imperfect and broken as well. God is more invested in what we can become than what we are or used to be. I am fully invested in what I can become. My family has invested in me. I am broken and I needed to share this message with you today because as I sat on that airplane, in that moment when we moved through the valley of the shadow of death, I realized I have not forgiven.

Pastor Rebecca shared with me your theme for this year: SOC - Stretch Out to Connect. I have stretched by asking Rebecca if I could come help in the spring. And she said, No, but you can come on December 6th ;) I have stretched out to connect with YOU by sharing a recent experience that I am still processing and frankly still have a lot of emotion about. I stretched when I came home from Florida and scrapped my original sermon and the wonderful illustrations of forgiveness I planned to use. Through this process of preparing for today, I have been stretched more than I could have imagined.

As you leave here today, remember your theme: stretch out to connect. Stretch your arms out. That's your comfort zone. Now imagine going even further. I challenge you to consider that person in your life who you need forgiveness from. Seek forgiveness. As you walk out these doors today, walk in hope, faith and love. Prepare the way of the Lord. Amen.

Addendum for Buena Vista CUCC:
I am not sure why I didn't consider finishing the story'I shared with you on December 6th. Of course, you would want to know the ending.

After making a u-turn over the gulf we were cleared to make an emergency landing in Tallahassee. Frankly, we did not care where we landed, just that we landed safely. Until the wheels were on the ground we did not feel a sense of security. The pilot landed the plane smoothly but I had never felt a plane stop so abruptly. We taxied toward the gate and were held on the plane for an extended amount of the time while fire and emergency professionals inspected the plane. I finally pulled out my phone and texted my oldest sister to let her know what had happened and frankly just to let some of the anxiety go. The pilot exited the cabin and walked through the plane asking, "how would you rate that landing?" with a sense of relief. You know how snarky Southwest is. The panicked cabin erupted into applause and relief. I just wanted OFF the plane.

Once we disembarked we were to stay near the gate. Southwest does not fly into Tallahassee normally so there were some negotiations going on with first responders, airport personnel, the Southwest crew and corporate Southwest. The pilot cleared the plane of soda and snacks for the passengers. They notified the passengers that they had to locate a new plane and fly it to Tallahassee before a flight to Tampa could be concluded. They also assured us that we could get our bag in baggage claim. At that time Roxanne and I decided that we did not want to get on another plane. We had a rental car reserved in Tampa and still had a 2 hour drive northeast of Tampa to reach my parents in The Villages. We decided to go ahead and rent a car in Tallahassee and drove 3.5 hours to The Villages. Our bag never made it to baggage claim and we were subsequently arrived in Tampa later that night. We missed the circus as well as the local news crews were awaiting the flight in Tampa that night. My sister had informed my parents and we kept in touch as we made our way down a very busy and chaotic, Friday rush hour on I-10. We arrived at my parents house at 8 pm, just 2 hours later than originally anticipated. My parents were as relieved to see us as we were them. We enjoyed a nice dinner and a few cocktails that evening as we sought to de-stress and settle in.

For me the journey has continued ... the first week home I found myself depressed, extremely emotional and moved to tears frequently, and was unable to sleep without nightmares. At the time of writing this addendum I'm happy to report that I was slept three nights without the nightmares. I pray the 'funk' is over. Thank you for allowing me the space to explore our story and the grace to feel authentically. I will keep you all in my prayers and hope to visit you again next spring.